2012 MY DIARY - JAN 1 - goodbye

Sunday January 1st 2012

This is the first time I write to you, but these words must be said, as I have spent the entire last year of my life with you. You were good to me, kind in many ways, but sometimes you gave me pain and sorrow. I shared so many new and memorable experiences with you – so many highs, so many lows - that you have become a part of me altogether now. You were my inspiration for every tear and every heartbreak, each and every laugh and smile, song and word I wrote. Through tough times and joyful ones, you were always there.
You were with me, all along the way, forever in my thoughts. I could never get you out of my mind. I worried about you constantly, about not having enough time with you, of wasting any time we had left together. I tried to make myself as present and conscious as I could be, with every moment that we shared. I tried to live each day like it was my last… and makes things last. But it wasn’t so easy. The clock seemed to tick too fast; the days and nights with you never seemed long enough.
There were times when I struggled. I felt old ties pulling me back, I felt myself repeating past mistakes. Yet, for a change, I sometimes managed to stop myself in time, or at the very least be aware of the error of my ways - enough to learn from every wrong move and every wrong turn. You showed me how everything is a life experience worth having – even the difficult or seemingly bad moments. I may have taken some risks that did not pay off, but I don’t regret them. In life, it’s easier to regret things you haven’t done, than things you have. Now, upon reflection, my time with you was a turning point for me. With you I ended a cycle of my life, where I kept clinging to things I didn’t need any longer, or needing things that weren’t good for me, where my cynical self ruled and there was no faith.
You made a believer out of me. You gave me hope. It was with you that I realized that I was over the past, and ready to dare to wish for a better future. You made me feel like I deserved to be more than just content, that I deserved to be immensely happy once again, and that it was fine to ask for more. You made it clear to me that if I desire things in my life it is not because I am unfulfilled but only because I have the imagination for dreams and the capacity to make them come true.
Because of you, I realized that I was ready to love again, to truly live again, and more importantly, to accept the way my life is for now and feel blessed for it. You made me understand that my life is good, and that I don’t have to focus on what I don’t have all the time. Being happy with what I do have is not settling. It’s simply a wise way to be peaceful… as long as it does not stop me from aspiring for whatever my soul seeks. Searching for my soul mate or striving for success has nothing to do with lack of acceptance or gratitude. I grew to see that I could be both happy and ambitious. With time by my side, anything was possible. All I needed to do was to enjoy every moment I had and have faith that there would be many more to come - just as wonderful, if not better.
Since with the first day of the new year, one has to say goodbye to the last, and farewell to the past, I thought it appropriate to write this final letter to you – an apt way to say adieu and let you go, as I begin a new era of my life. A part of me wishes we did not have to part; I grew used to you and somewhat secure with you, but the future beckons me. Thank you for all that you have given me, for all the love you have bestowed upon me, for everything we have shared and that you have silently promised me. For all that I will never forget you. You stood by me through all this. You meant so much to me, and still do, but now it’s time to move on.
Goodbye 2011. Happy New Year!